


But I won’t Let them Break me Down to Dust

by Laisaxrem



Series: This is Us (english version) [12]
Category: Naruto
Genre: A little bit of angst, Gai is angry, Gen, Kakashi is a good friend, Let It Go, Maito Gai Centric, Rivals, Short One Shot, my baby, my favourite bromance, really really angry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27432589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laisaxrem/pseuds/Laisaxrem
Summary: Gai, seriously injured by the fight against Madara, regains consciousness in a hospital room in Konoha and must deal with the limits dictated by his new physical condition. A friend will be there to help him pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Maito Gai | Might Guy, Maito Gai | Might Guy & Tenten, Rock Lee & Maito Gai | Might Guy
Series: This is Us (english version) [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1976788
Kudos: 18





	But I won’t Let them Break me Down to Dust

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [But I won’t Let them Break me Down to Dust](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21337102) by [Laisaxrem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laisaxrem/pseuds/Laisaxrem). 



> First of all I apologize for the huge grammar errors. English is not really my forte and I kept these translations on the drive for a long time before I decided to publish them (and yes, I got help from Google too).  
> Btw.
> 
> DATE: Friday, 25th October; Wednesday, 30th October; Wednesday, 6th November 1679  
> TITLE: This Is Me - “The Greatest Showman” Cast

Gai was floating in the darkness.

All his life he had been aware of every muscle, every bone, every scrap of skin; and now he felt as if his mind was detached from his body. He _didn’t actually feel_ his body, but strangely he wasn’t particularly worried about it because he remembered. He remembered the war, he remembered the Bijū, he remembered Obito, he remembered Kakashi, he remembered his students – Lee so brave, Tenten so combative, and poor Neji and his sacrifice. But above all that he remembered Madara; Madara who had become the jinchūriki of the Jūbi and had overwhelmed any strategy of Yondaime-sama and Kakashi. And finally he who had come forward and had used the Hachimon Tonkō no Jin, and the devastating pain caused by the Sekizō and the even worse pain of the Yagai, when he had felt the skin burn and the bones of the leg disintegrate.

He did not regret his choice: at that moment it was necessary and if he had allowed his companions to survive the battle then he was satisfied. What he regretted was not being able to see Lee and Tenten become adults and those formidable ninjas he knew had the potential to become, not being able to have another beer with Ebisu and the others in their usual pub, not being able to challenge Kakashi to an unbridled race through the streets of Konoha anymore. But if his sacrifice meant that they could live one more day, who was he to complain?

But he was a little disappointed, he had to admit it. So was that what awaited them after death? An eternal floating in the dark, the mind that continually retraced the memories of a life causing pangs of repentance and nostalgia? It wasn’t very inviting as a prospect. Not that he could do anything to change the situation, of course, but really.

* * *

Gai heard voices. It was the first time since he had woken up in that darkness that he felt something other than his thoughts and the tired beating of his heart. He didn’t know whether to be happy about it or be concerned about it, mostly because they were voices he knew: Tsunade-sama, Shizune and Sakura-san talking about medicine, and broken bones, and painkiller dosages and other things he just didn’t understand. And then again Kakashi and Kurenai and his friends who talked about how Konoha was slowly being reborn, how the Alliance was functioning, how the funerals had been painful. And above all his beloved students, Lee and Tenten, who talked about their training, about their friends.

Maybe this was life after death. Maybe it wasn’t just darkness and emptiness but it was feeling the people you loved in life, feeling that they were alive and moving forward. Or at least he hoped it wasn’t all a figment of his imagination.

In any case, he was grateful.

* * *

Gai opened his eyes and _saw_.

The darkness in which he had floated up to that moment had given way to a dark hospital room, someone’s hands touching his throat.

Wait. He could _feel_ hands touching his throat. He could _see_ the room. He could _hear_ people move around. And most of all, he could feel his body. He could feel the pain in every cell in his right leg, and the discomfort of the skin, and the headache pounding his temples, and the dry mouth, and the aching stomach. He wasn’t sure if this was an improvement in his condition. He was glad he could still prove something, of course, but did it really have to be all bad?

Exhausted, he tried to turn his head towards the voices (was that Kakashi the one arguing in a low voice with Tsunade?) And a terrible pang forced him to close his eyelids again. He felt warm fingers brush against his temples and the sensations he was experiencing slowly slipped away.

* * *

When he opened his eyes again not much had changed: his body was still a pool of pain and the hospital room was still the same even though it was now bathed in the dim light of dawn and Gai could see Konoha outside the window. What changed was the amount of people around him. He heard only two breaths, one deep, obviously asleep, the other lighter and closer.

He wanted to see. He wanted to see who it was. He needed to understand what was happening. He felt something in his throat that annoyed him and instinctively he tried to raise an arm to remove what was preventing him from breathing. Immediately one hand blocked his wrist while another rested on his chest and immobilized him. A face he knew, with green eyes and pink hair, entered his vision.

«Gai-sensei, I’m Sakura», the girl said, a small smile curving her lips, relief evident in those pale eyes. «Don’t move».

And he obeyed. Not that he could move anyway, with her small but strong hands pinning him to the bed. But maybe luck was smiling at him. Sakura was an exceptional iryō-nin, Tsunade-sama’s apprentice, and perhaps there was no one more qualified than her to explain what the fuck was going on. Because yes, by now he knew he was alive and it didn’t make any sense. He just had to be able to open his mouth and start voicing the thousand questions, and the thousand fears, that crowded his mind. Too bad that thing that irritated his throat also prevented him from speaking.

«Shh, don’t try to speak», the young woman scolded him softly, as if reading his mind. «You are intubated. I check a couple of things and, if all goes well, I proceed with the estuation, okay? Do you understand what I’m saying?»

Gai slightly nodded and earned another smile as she began to bustle beside him, her hands brushing his throat as she used her healing chakra, then descending to her chest and finally going to her head.

«Okay, everything is in order», she finally announced, smiling again. «It will be annoying and you may have retching: try to hold back, okay? Good, when I tell you, breathe out as deeply as possible».

When the long tube in his trachea was removed completely, Gai could not hold back a couple of coughs that sent pangs of pain throughout his body.

«Good, that’s a good sign, Gai-sensei», Sakura encouraged him, sitting down next to the bed after taking away the hose and equipment. «We thought you wouldn’t wake up for another week at least».

Gai’s eyes widened. “ _Another week_ ”. How long had he been in that bed? He had to know. He opened his mouth to ask but his throat didn’t seem to want to cooperate.

«It’s ok, it will be difficult to speak for a while», the kunoichi said, placing her chakra-covered hand on his throat again. «Do you want me to tell you what happened or would you rather wait for Lee-san to wake up?»

Lee? Then that heavy breathing belonged to his pupil. Gai felt his eyes fill with tears and it seemed to worry Sakura.

«Oh, Kami-sama, what did I say wrong? Gai-sensei, I’m sorry, I…»

«Don’t worry, Sakura», said a male voice he knew perfectly well. «Those are tears of joy».

«Kakashi-sensei», she greeted him with a relieved smile.

«Come on, Sakura-chan, what did we say about that “sensei”?»

«Right. Sorry, Kakashi-san».

His rival moved closer until he was beside the bed and in his field of view. Gai felt his heart lighten to see that he was still whole and seemed to be unchanged. No, wait, not unchanged because now Gai could see not one but _two_ dark eyes. How was it possible?

«Mmm? Oh, the eye», Kakashi said, correctly interpreting his wide eyes. «It’s a tremendously compelling story but we’ll talk about it another time. How are you?» he evidently asked to the kunoichi.

«Good, under the circumstances. He is breathing independently and his general condition is improving significantly. But I’m worried about the chakra. There is something that prevents him from accumulating it properly and I do not know if it is the sedatives we gave him or the effects of using Hachimon Tonkō no Jin. And obviously there is the problem of the leg…»

«Yes, I see», Kakashi nodded, his eyes thoughtful. And Gai began to worry seriously. But then his old friend gave him a smile, evident despite the mask. «So, Gai, are you ready to see some people again?»

Was he ready? In short, he was stuck in that bed and he couldn’t even move his arms; every part of his body seemed to scream in pain and he could not speak. So the honest answer to the question was no, he wasn’t ready. But he also knew he must have been dead and, for some reason, he wasn’t, and now he had a chance to see the people he loved again. It was an opportunity that his father had not had when he had made the same choice twenty years earlier. So no, he wasn’t _ready_ , but he _wanted_ to see everyone again.

So he just nodded and tried to smile, not sure if he really succeeded (the pain was increasing and he was so tired and starting to lose consciousness of himself).

Sakura nodded and stepped away from his sight. Ten seconds later Gai felt Lee jump to his feet and a moment later he was beside him, his eyes wide open rapidly filling with tears.

«Gai-sensei!»

Gai smiled (perhaps). He wanted tremendously to stand up and hug his student. And he wanted to go find Tenten and hold her tight too.

Instead he felt faint and his eyes closed, throwing him back into a world of darkness.

* * *

«I’ve never met a stubborn ninja than you», muttered Tsunade-sama as she walked out the door, followed a short distance away by Shizune.

Gai, sitting on his hospital bed, smiled at both of them and thanked them for their assistance. Then he turned back to the people in the room.

He had awakened that morning after a week of sleep. Not coma, sleep. A nice milestone for a man who must have died and had been in a medically induced coma for nearly three weeks. The pain in his right leg was slightly less and the bandaged skin hardly tingled anymore. Sakura had said that his chakra reserves were slowly reforming and this was extremely positive. They had yet to ascertain whether the problem with his tenketsu was due to the sedatives or the effects of the Hachimon, but Gai was fully confident that his iryō-nins would solve the puzzle sooner or later. But the thing they were sure of was that it would take weeks, maybe months, but eventually his chakra circulatory system would return to normal.

The real problem, which always made them frown at every check-up, was the leg. Not only had the tibia and fibula bones disintegrated, but a large part of the foot had become pulverized after using the Yagai. Tsunade had tried to use Hashirama-sama’s cells to rebuild it, exactly as she was doing for Naruto’s arm, but for some reason – probably due to the nature of the injury, Sakura had said, or perhaps because of his current chakra deficiency – the cells of the first implant had failed to integrate with his. So Gai would no longer walk, no longer fight, no longer be a ninja.

The news had been devastating.

In front of his students he had smiled and had declared that now the summer of his life had begun. Lee had cried and excited all over, declaring that it would help him study a new training program suited to his new condition when he had got out of the hospital. Tenten had rolled her eyes at her teammate’s behaviour but then had smiled at both of them and stated that she would personally take care of stealing a hospital wheelchair to turn it into a combat chair with all kinds of weapons hidden inside it (and designed for comfort, of course). Gai had laughed and encouraged them to follow their youth. Sakura had shook her head and hid a smile as she glanced at Kakashi, sitting in a chair in the corner of the room with his faithful copy of _Icha Icha Tactics_ in hand. Perhaps the two had exchanged some silent message because suddenly the kunoichi had approached his two students and gently pushed them towards the door, offering to show Tenten where to find the wheelchairs and telling Lee that she needed to discuss the details of his future training routine with him.

Gai smiled and greeted the three young shinobi. Sakura had bowed her head in the direction of the two men as she closed the door and left them in the silence.

And now there were just the two of them, Kakashi reading quietly, Gai still smiling to the best of his ability.

«They’re gone, Gai, you can stop pretending», Kakashi said after a few seconds, his voice low and calm.

«I don’t understand what you are –»

«Gai».

He closed his mouth as he allowed his smile to die on his face. Sometimes he forgot how painful it was to make himself smile.

«How do you», he began in a whisper, his right hand unconsciously massaging the round scar that Naruto had left on his heart, «always know what’s going on in my mind?»

Kakashi closed the book and went to sit in the free chair next to his friend, his dark eyes that revealed a feeling that Gai could not grasp. He still hadn’t gotten used to seeing two identical eyes on his best friend’s face; it was strange, after almost twenty years, to no longer see the sharingan and the hitai-ate sideways on his face, but to Gai they seemed to represent well the change that the Fourth Ninja War had brought in the lives of all of them. He would get used to it over time, but for now it was disconcerting.

«I don’t really understand half of the things that go through that strange head you have attached to your neck», Kakashi said with a smile. «But I have known you for more than twenty-five years, Gai, and I would be a poor rival to you if I didn’t understand when you are about to break down».

«I’m not –»

«Yes, you are», he interrupted him again. A bad habit of Kakashi that usually made him laugh but now it was just making him nervous. «It’s exactly like when your father died».

Anger. Anger that ripped through his veins and made him clench his fists on the blankets.

«Sometimes you should stop acting like you know everything, Kakashi», he hissed, struggling to control his anger. Because that wasn’t him, this wasn’t the person he had become. But at that moment he was feeling so frustrated and angry and sad and _angry_ …

«Gai, we are alone, now», said the other, ignoring the flashes of anger in his eyes. «You can let it go».

«There’s nothing to let go».

«You can’t fool me. I know you».

«There’s _nothing_ to let go».

He almost yelled, but Kakashi didn’t move and his eyes remained calm. Kami-sama, that blatant indifference to whatever was happening around him was something that drove him mad. Usually he was able to hide it but at that moment, with the anger boiling in his stomach and making him feel nauseated, he had neither the desire nor the energy to do so.

«Yes, there is. Sakura noticed it too. Why do you think she took your kids away?»

That statement made him waver for a moment. No. No. He didn’t want to think about it now, he couldn’t. He pushed that feeling away and clung to the annoyance and anger, clenching his fists harder on the sheets, welcoming like an old friend the pain that pervaded his nerves as his still tender skin tightened.

«Go away, please», he asked, trying not to be too abrupt. He wanted to end that conversation and he couldn’t leave so he had to convince Kakashi to leave him alone.

«No».

Anger again.

«Go away», he repeated, harder, letting the annoyance and frustration flow.

«No».

Irritating. Stubborn. Stroppy.

Why couldn’t he, for once, leave him alone? When they were kids he had avoided him like the plague and now that he was the one who wanted to be alone, did Kakashi suddenly find the spirit of rivalry in himself? If that was some karmic punishment he didn’t want to know what his fault was.

«I’m not kidding, Kakashi. Go away», he threatened, his fists clenching even tighter until he felt his fingernails tear the skin under the bandages. Good. He needed that pain to keep himself from jumping to Kakashi’s throat.

«Make me».

«What do you want to achieve?»

«I want you to stop pretending», Kakashi repeated again, the book now closed and abandoned on the nightstand next to his bed. If it had been an ordinary day, it would have put him to attention; because Kakashi _never_ stopped reading his _Icha Icha_ , never, not even during meetings with the Hokage or visiting the Daimyo. But that day nothing was as usual.

«I’m not –»

«Quit it. You pretend. All this…» he said pointing towards the door where the three young shinobi had left a few minutes earlier, «… it’s fake. And I understand why you were hiding yourself from Lee and Tenten. They are your kids, you want to protect them. But to protect them, you risk destroying yourself. I know it; I’m a master at this», he added a little more softly, abandoning his chair to sit on the bed in front of Gai who was beginning to feel his anger subside and give way to something he didn’t want to feel, not now, not there, not with his beloved rival one step away from him. «Don’t do this to yourself, Gai, don’t let yourself be broken».

«I don’t want to», he finally resolved to say and hated hearing his voice break on the last syllable.

«I know. But it’s what you need. So I’m telling you for the last time. Let. It. Go».

And, grabbing his right knee, he squeezed a little, sending a pang of pain to his injured leg and up to his stomach, chest and head.

The realization hit him hard along with the pain.

He wouldn’t be a ninja anymore.

The thing he had lived for for the past thirty years had been taken away from him forever.

There would be no need for fighting, no need for striving to overcome the limits of his body, no need for self-inflicting punishments when he had not achieved a set goal. There was not a sufficient number of laps around the walls of Konoha, or push-ups, or sit-ups, or any other exercise he could think of. No matter how hard he put in every day of his life from that point forward, he would no longer be a ninja.

And what was he without his being a shinobi? What was he if he could no longer protect the people he loved, if he could no longer serve the Village with all his body and mind? What would become of him? How was he going to wake up every day knowing that the person he had been had vanished and would never come back?

Gai began to tremble and his eyes filled with tears of horror and pain and fear.

Kakashi released his knee to brush his shoulder.

«Let it go», he repeated more sweetly. «We’ll pick up the pieces later».

And Gai let it go.

**Author's Note:**

> After reading the final chapters of Naruto I didn't think much about the issue that instead struck me when I saw the anime. In short, my question was: with the Hashirama cells they can create a new arm for Naruto but can't they fix Gai's leg? It seemed like a terrible plot-hole. So I tried to give my explanation.  
> Apart from that, I love the friendship between Gai and Kakashi madly. I'm writing so many other big and small stories about the two of them for this world. I love them.


End file.
